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25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self-Confidence

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. - E.E. Cummings


One of the things that held me back from pursuing my dreams for many years was fear of failure … and the lack of self-confidence that I needed to overcome that fear.

It's something we all face, to some degree, I think. The key question: how do you overcome that fear?

By working on your self-confidence and self-esteem. Without really thinking of it in those terms, that's what I've been doing over the years, and that's what helped me finally overcome my fears, and finally pursue my dreams.

I still have those fears, undoubtedly. But now I know that I can beat them, that I can break through that wall of fear and come out on the other side. I've done it many times now, and that success will fuel further success.

This post was inspired by reader Nick from Finland, who asked for an article about self-worth and self-confidence:

Many of the things you propose make people feel better about themselves and actually help building self-confidence. However, I would be interested on reading your input in general on this topic. Taking time out for your own plans and dreams, doing things another way than most other people and generally not necessarily "fitting in" can be quite hard with a low self-confidence.

Truer words have never been spoken. It's near impossible to make time for your dreams, to break free from the traditional mold, and to truly be yourself, if you have low self-esteem and self-confidence.

As an aside, I know that some people make a strong distinction between self-esteem and self-confidence. In this article, I use them interchangeably, even if there is a subtle but perhaps important difference … the difference being whether you believe you're worthy of respect from others (self-esteem) and whether you believe in yourself (self-confidence). In the end, both amount to the same thing, and in the end, the actions I mention below give a boost to both self-esteem and self-confidence.

Taking control of your self-confidence
If you are low in self-confidence, is it possible to do things that will change that? Is your self-confidence in your control?

While it may not seem so, if you are low in self-confidence, I strongly believe that you can do things to increase your self-confidence. It is not genetic, and you do not have to be reliant on others to increase your self-confidence. And if you believe that you are not very competent, not very smart, not very attractive, etc. … that can be changed.

You can become someone worthy of respect, and someone who can pursue what he wants despite the naysaying of others.

You can do this by taking control of your life, and taking control of your self-confidence. By taking concrete actions that improve your competence, your self-image, you can increase that self-confidence, without the help of anyone else.

Below, I outline 25 things that will help you do that. None of them is revolutionary, none of them will do it all by themselves. The list certainly isn't comprehensive. These are just some of my favorite things, stuff that's worked for me.

And you don't need to do all of them, as if this were a recipe … pick and choose those that appeal to you, maybe just a couple at first, and give them a try. If they work, try others. If they don't, try others.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it's amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.

2. Dress nicely. A corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you'll feel good about yourself. You'll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn't necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.

3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn't fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it's not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.

4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a year. It sounds so trite, so Norman Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you haven't.

5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it's so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you're doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, "This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV." Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. ("C'mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!")

Know yourself and you will win all battles. - Sun Tzu

6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can't defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you're trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they're real limitations or just ones you've allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you'll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.

7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It's one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can't, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You'll soon start to notice a difference.

8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.

One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation. - Arthur Ashe

9. Get prepared. It's hard to be confident in yourself if you don't think you'll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think about taking an exam: if you haven't studied, you won't have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you're prepared, and you'll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam, and prepare yourself.

10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don't know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule (the major exception being to "Live my Passion"). Think about your principles … you might have them but perhaps you haven't given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don't act on them.

11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn't worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn't want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don't feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don't take it to an extreme, but just don't sound rushed either.

12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That's a good thing any day, in my book.

13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don't try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you'll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.

14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You'll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better you'll be at it, and the better you'll feel. Soon you'll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too.

15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you've accomplished it, you'll feel like a million bucks.

16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. "I'm fat and lazy!" So how can you solve that? "But I can't motivate myself!" So how can you solve that? "But I have no energy!" So what's the solution?

17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.

18. Volunteer. Related to the "be kind and generous" item above, but more specific. It's the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It'll be some of the best time you've ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you'll feel better about yourself, instantly.

19. Be grateful. I'm a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who's been reading this blog for very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image. Read more.

20. Exercise. Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you'll see benefits. Start the habit.

21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you'll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.

22. Do something you've been procrastinating on. What's on your to-do list that's been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You'll feel great about yourself.

23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It's how we learn. Without mistakes, we'd never get better. So don't worry about those. Just do something. Get off your butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to accomplish something.

24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the time, and soon you'll be a self-confident maniac.

25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me. Here's how.

--
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Michael Jackson Dies of Reported Cardiac Arrest

Paramedics Reportedly Performed CPR Before Rushing Jackson to Hospital


June 25, 2009 -- Pop star Michael Jackson has died at age 50 after suffering a cardiac arrest, according to media reports.

Los Angeles TV station KTLA reports that Los Angeles fire officials said they responded to a 911 call at Jackson's home and that Jackson wasn't breathing when they arrived; paramedics performed CPR and rushed him to UCLA Medical Center, although the hospital, due to privacy rules, could not confirm that.

In a cardiac arrest, the heart stops working properly. A cardiac arrest is not the same as a heart attack, but it can happen because of a heart attack, notes Douglas Zipes, MD, MACC, distinguished professor at Indiana University School of Medicine and past president of the American College of Cardiology.

Zipes explains that "cardiac arrest is a heart rhythm disturbance when the bottom chamber of the heart, the ventricles, beat an at extremely rapid rate -- 4 to 600 times a minute."

Zipes says that heart rhythm "prevents that bottom chamber from effective contraction and pumping blood to the brain and to the rest of the body, and death results if it's not reversed within four or five minutes, generally."

According to Zipes, when that heart rhythm disturbance, which is called ventricular fibrillation, happens, the bottom chambers of the heart are "like a bag of squiggly worms without an effective squeeze, and no blood gets pumped to the rest of the body, and without the necessary oxygen in the blood vessels going to the brain, and so on, the brain then begins to die."

CPR can help keep blood flowing, but it would take an electrical shock to the heart -- either from electrical paddles called defibrillators or from an internal heart device -- to shock the heart back to a normal rhythm.

"Some sort of blood flow has to be initiated, whether it's with CPR or with the shock that terminates the fibrillation and restores an effective contraction," says Zipes.

Zipes notes that in 30% to 50% of cardiac arrests, "that event is the first manifestation of underlying heart disease. So you may not have chest pain, you may not have shortness of breath, you may not have anything" as a warning sign.

Just over a year ago, NBC journalist Tim Russert died after a cardiac arrest. Russert was being treated for his heart disease risk factors; Jackson's previous heart health hasn't been made public.

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The Importance of Water

Water! Why drink at least two quarts a day?

Because that's roughly how much water we lose normally through perspiration, waste removal and other functions. Add sultry weather or enough exercise to break a sweat and the amount of water needed to stay healthily hydrated - not to mention avoid fatigue, light-headedness, nausea, and even heat stroke - quickly climbs. The body loses water via the skin by perspiration, kidneys by urine, lungs by exhaled water vapor, and intestine by feces. Additionally, water keeps your energy up, weight down, muscles strong, joints supple, digestive system smooth -- your whole system in physical balance.

Water:
1) regulates body temperature
2) makes up 83% of blood
3) removes waste
4) composes 75% of brain
5) helps carry nutients and oxygen to cells
6) moistens oxygen for breathing
7) helps convert food to energy
8) protects and cushions vital organs
9) helps body absorb nutients
10) accounts for 22% of bones
11) cushions joints
12) makes up 75% of muscles
13)makes up 90% of lungs
14)Your body is roughly 60 % water!!!
It really depends on the person and their activity level as well as the weather. I find the more I drink the less I actually retain with my activity level and climate.

Additionally because of diuretic effects of caffeine drinks you should have 1 8-ounce glass of water for each 8-ounce glass/cup of these you drink to minimize the effects. On the other hand however, there is a thing as too much water. If you drink in excess of 8 liters without getting the proper other nutrients your body will actually start depleting itself of those nutrients. So, do not be one of those people who gets too "water obsessed" and drinks a gallon a day either.There is a fine balance in all parts of woe.

Water is VERY important and you should get enough each day, but too much or too little is not good. I suggest 10-12 eight ounce glasses a day, more if you are in hot weather, exercise, or have been drinking alcohol. Also, "Are you Hungry? Many of us mix up food pangs with water cravings! By Malcolm Stewart, PhD As a clinical and health psychologist, I work with many people who want to lose weight for personal or medical reasons. It's not uncommon to hear complaints of intense hunger between regular eating times, no matter how satisfying their meals.

For some people, it's puzzling, irritating hunger that makes them want to pick at food constantly. Others describe sharp cravings that demand immediate satisfaction. Regardless, the effect is the same: Despite increasing their physical activity (perhaps the key weight loss technique), they can't lose unwanted pounds. But a little-known fact both helps explain these food pangs - and provides a means to deal with them: Sometimes thirst masquerades as hunger. So you may think your body is asking for food when what it's actually asking for is water. Your body needs water - a lot of water, every day - more than anything else except oxygen. WE can live without food for a week or more if necessary, but not without water. If your body has just 2 percent less than it requires, you'll feel fatigued. A 10 percent shortfall can produce significant health risks. A week without water can be fatal.

Adults need six to eight 8-ounce glasses (about 1 ½ to 2 quarts) every day, more if you're large or physically active and even more if you drink much coffee, tea or cola, because the caffeine in these is a mild diuretic.

Why do we sometimes feel hungry when in fact we're thirsty? For one thing, many of us seem to have learned to interpret some signs of thirst as signs of hunger. For another, the body may seek food as a source of water because about 37 percent of our daily water intake comes from food. Fruits and vegetables are typically 70 to 95 percent water. Cooked meat is 50 to 60 percent. Even bread is made up of about 35 percent water. So your body may signal that it's hungry in order to get more water through food. And because water is so important, the body gives off strong messages when it needs more, which is why thirst masquerading as hunger can be so compelling. Which would be fine if food didn't contain calories as well as water.
Being able to understand that sometimes "I'm hungry" really means "I'm thirsty" can help you react more healthfully, starting with drinking eight glasses daily. This takes a conscious effort for most of us, but it's easier if you make a habit of drinking water every time you do a particular activity - for instance, each time you go into the kitchen or whenever you're about to make a phone call. You can also up your intake by using a larger glass or drinking a refill. Some people find "sipper bottles" convenient. Now apply this to dealing with hunger between meals (which can be translated as "reach for water, not the ice cream"). If you feel hungry when it's not meal time, first have a large glass of water, then get busy doing something - keep at it for at least 20 minutes before you consider eating anything. After drinking one glass, you may immediately want another. This is your body saying, "Yes! That was want I really wanted - give me more!" If you still feel hungry after 20 minutes, try having another glass of water, then get busy again.

People often feel like they're "bad" or "weak" if they feel hungry at times they think they shouldn't be. However, once you are aware that thirst can masquerade as hunger, you realize that hunger pangs often are a legitimate request by the body - but for water rather than food. This isn't a cure - all for curbing hunger, but I've learned from my practice that it can go along way toward beating between meal eating. And that can mean weight-loss success. " and An excerpt from Oprah's book, Make the Connection, by Bob Greene: "Water is essential to life. Without it, we would survive maybe two or three days. That makes it our most important nutrient. Water surrounds and is a part of each and every cell in your body, and it's needed or involved in virtually all body functions.

About 60 percent of your body weight is water. We lose a lot of water each day through basic body functions. By exercising, you lose even more water depending on the type, length, and intensity of exercise and the climate you work out in. Your body must continually regulate the amount of water that it holds. You become dehydrated when your body's water supply cannot meet its demands. This can cause a variety of complications, including heat exhaustion and heat stroke.

Although less life threatening, dehydration also affects the body's ability to digest food and metabolize fat. Needless to say, having enough water is essential for your body to function at its optimum. As far as weight loss and weight maintenance are concerned, drinking enough water is extremely important. There are at least six basic reasons why replacing water on a daily basis is important for controlling your weight.

1) Digestion and metabolism - These are two functions we are particularly concerned with when it comes to controlling our weight. If you aren't getting enough water, you risk impairing these two functions to a certain degree. Enough water ensures that both digestion and metabolism are working at their full capacity.

2) Water's filling effect - by drinking six to eight glasses of water, you can help curb your appetite. Water can fill you up so that you don't overeat.

3) The thirst-hunger response - When you are dehydrated, your body may signal you to eat when what it really requires is water. It does the same thing for a variety of nutritional needs. For example, your body may need sodium, so it signals you to eat foods containing salt. But all you really need is the salt without all the additional calories in food. I call this phenomenon artificial hunger. By meeting all of your nutritional needs, including your need for water, you can control artificial hunger.

4) Better workouts - You can exercise more effectively and at higher levels when you are getting enough water.

5) Muscle requires more water - Muscle is comprised of about 70 percent water, whereas fat is made up of less than 25 percent water. One of the many benefits of exercise is that you maintain and even add muscle weight, which in turn burns fat. As you gain muscle, you require more water and need to replace more of it daily. So water becomes more important the more active you are. Think of it as a cycle: The more muscle you maintain, the more water is held by the body and the more calories are burned by that additional muscle. So the more muscle you have, the more water you must have available.

6) Glycogen storage - Glycogen is a form of carbohydrate stored in your muscles. It can be used as energy when you exercise. The more fit you become, the more glycogen is stored in your muscles. Every gram of glycogen holds about 2.5 to 3 grams of water. So, the more fit you are, the more water your body will hold, and the more water you need each day. Being more fit also allows you to burn calories at a higher rate. In addition to those six reasons, as you begin to lose fat, your body increases its percentage of water. So the amount of water you need to drink each day increases. This is especially so the more active you become. Your body is signaled to hold more water. It will usually let you know it needs more water by making you thirsty, but not always. "

Water is often called the forgotten nutrient since many people take it for granted, but water is essential to life. We can live with less than enough food for weeks, months, even years, but take away our water and we last just a few days. Water makes up about 60 percent of the average adult's weight. It is the medium the human body uses for nearly every activity it performs and has many functions, including: · Carrying nutrients in the body · Cleansing the body's waste products · Acting as a solvent, dissolving minerals, proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins and other substances · Being involved in the chemical reactions in the body · Lubricating joints · Acting as a shock absorber for many organs · Helping to regulate body temperature Since water is so important, its balance is delicately monitored by a number of mechanisms.

Our brain signals us to drink when the sodium concentrations in the blood become too high or when blood volume drops too low. Unfortunately, by the time this thirst mechanism kicks in, we are already in the beginning stages of water deficit. That's why nutritionists recommend drinking before you are thirsty. This is particularly important for the elderly population because as we age we become less sensitive to our thirst mechanism. At the same time, our percentage of body fluid drops, so it's easier to become dehydrated faster.

Young children are also at a higher risk for dehydration, but for another reason: Their thirst mechanism is not yet fully developed, nor are they always able to recognize when they are thirsty. Water needs vary with each individual, but in general, nutritionists still abide by the old rule of eight glasses - - 64 ounces - - or more of fluid a day. Water is your best bet, but it is certainly not the only way to get fluids. .

Alcohol and caffeinated beverages like tea and coffee do not count because they are actually diuretics, meaning they cause you to lose fluid rather than retain it. How much water do you need? The old standard suggestion of 6 to 8, 8-ounce glasses of water a day is still good. But people who exercise may need more like 2 or 3 quarts, especially when it's hot and humid outside (and during illness). Get in the habit of carrying a water bottle. It's easy to measure, handy to cart around especially during workouts, and saves waiting in line at the water fountain - - where it never seems polite to guzzle what you really need when others are waiting.

Drink before you're thirsty. People who drink to satisfy thirst replace only about half of what they need. An intelligent, by the book, "hydration schedule" for a workout looks something like this: · 17 ounces of water 2 hours before your workout · 8ounces or more 15 minutes before your workout · 4 to 8 ounces every 10 to 20 minutes during your workout · another 8 ounces after your workout " By now, I am hoping you see how important water is to weightloss and also to your health! It is a wonderful beauty secret we should all adopt as part of our new healthy lifestyle!

I am repeatedly appalled that we are teaching our kids from birth on to drink ANYTHING but water!!! WHY do we do that? People erroneously think juice is better for kids, but it is almost all sugar and only a precentage of real juice anymore and studies have shown kids who drink too much juice have stunted growth and do not develop enough growth hormones. When the juice is taken away,the body then makes more growth hormones, giving the child a chance to grow normally.This is espeically true with any "failure to thrive child".Teach your kids to like and drink yummy water! It is GOOD for them! Give them real whole fruits for the vitamins from fruits instead of juices. Now,remember -drink 64 ounces minmum of water EVERYDAY. Some say 1/2 your body weight in ounces and some 64 ounces plus an additional 8 ounces for every 25 pounds you need to lose.

I find most people lose well with around 80-96 ounces. I have a brita filtered pitcher and I LOVE it! I highly recommend getting one or something like it. There are tap filters also and the price range varies. -Drink all your water before anything else each day. Other things do not count as water. Unsweetened green tea is also fine according to Dr A. When you drink enough water,you actually promote the production of MORE ketones.This means more fat is being burned! YES! If you do not drink enough water, your stix might show a color, but you might not lose, because if you do not get enough water to flush out old ketones,then new ones cannot be generated and old ketones just keep recirculating.

Caffeine, artificial sweetners, citric acid and other ingredients in drinks will most times hinder your success.You want to drink extra water anytime you drink something like that.It is best to drink only water and green tea. The occassional diet rite might be fine too. But, remember it has citric acid and that hinders people also. It is sweetened with splenda, so is a better choice than other colas. It comes in many flavors and I find it at my superwalmart.

There are some flavored seltzer waters that might also be ok for a once in awhile change. CVS has one that is sweetened with splenda also. The best kind are ones that are completely unsweetened and sodium free. Check all labels. Not just the nutriton facts, but the fine print ingredients too! So, drink up and WHOOOSH!!! You can do it!

AND NOW, FOR NO LOGICAL REASON, 3 STEVEN KING STORIES (FAMILY GUY STYLE)

THE DAILY SHOW MAY 21ST 2009

How to Practice Radical Honesty

 

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. -Thomas Jefferson

You probably tell dozens of little lies and half-truths every day. And you probably spend a significant chunk of your time evaluating what's going on in other people's minds, because they're probably not being completely honest with you. What would happen if you stopped lying? Ditched the brown-nosing and diplomacy? Stopped walking on eggshells? Are you ready to find out?

The "radical honesty" movement was founded by a psychotherapist named Brad Blanton, who insists that everyone would be much happier if we were all completely honest, as in no lies--no matter how small and white they may be. It’s a pledge to see and verbally acknowledge things exactly as they are, to the best of your ability. If you have a habit of stopping short of saying what you really think, turning things around will take time, but the results can be shockingly refreshing.

1. Observe yourself lying. Most people lie throughout the day, every day. For example, 60% of people tell an average of two to three lies in a 10-minute conversation![1] So if you try to catch yourself lying, you may be surprised with how often you do it. It can also be enlightening to think about how often the people around you lie (see How to Detect Lies). And remember, the purpose of this step is to observe. Don't judge, or justify, like "Oh, well, I have to lie, or else blah, blah, blah." Rationalization is a product of denial, and denial is a deep form of dishonesty.

When people ask you how you're doing, do you respond honestly?
Do you feign interest in something that you're not really interested in?
Do you find yourself lying in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings?
Do you bite your tongue? Are you lying by omission?

2. Think deeply about whether you're really doing anyone a favor by lying. Should you really shelter someone from reality? Are you giving the recipient of your white lie enough credit? Do you assume they're too weak to handle the truth?

Consider that telling someone the truth presents the opportunity to help them learn how to not take things personally, which is a very valuable life skill to have.

In a way, it's manipulative and patronizing to pretend to be interested in what someone is saying, when you're really not. That's what we often do with kids, because we consider them too immature and inexperienced to understand that not everyone is interested in what they are interested in. If you treat the people around you the same way you treat children, then you might just find that the people around you act like children.

Is lying ever really the best way to express compassion? Or is it the easiest way for you to avoid confrontation, rejection, or discomfort? If you're going to lie, then perhaps you can be honest with yourself about why you're lying--don't tell yourself it's for that person's own good, or that you're being kind, when it's really because you don't have the courage to be completely honest yet.[2]

3. Confess. Once you see how often you lie, try fessing up once in a while. It's usually easier to be honest after the act than during, so this is a good stepping stone. You can start off with lies from the months or years ago (it's easier for people to forgive those, and see them as water under the bridge) and then start confessing about lies that you told days, hours, or even seconds ago. ("Um--actually, just now when I told you I'd be happy eating sushi, I lied. I really don't want sushi, I just wanted to seem cool. Can we get burgers instead?")

Some people will freak out, and some people will appreciate your candor. This is also a good way to get to know the people around you better - are they receptive and forgiving? Or are they dramatic and manipulative jerks?

Some confessions are best served with an apology. See How to Apologize.

4. Uncensor yourself. Now it's time to remove the filters between what you think and what you say. (See the Warnings below.) Can you really speak your mind? Try it. Think out loud for an hour when you're by yourself, and make it a point to say whatever pops into your mind, no matter how random, dirty, or stupid it might be. It's a good warm-up exercise, and you should do it regularly, just to reinforce the direct connection between brain and mouth. Try doing it with a friend (perhaps explain to them what you're doing, and invite them to do it too, like a game). And eventually, try doing it around everyone! Some ideas to jump-start your honesty:

Admit when you've forgotten someone's name, even if you're supposed to know that person's name because you've known them for years and seen them regularly and you know their kids' names, and even their dog's name.

Tell someone when you're starting to get bored with the conversation. "I stopped listening about a minute ago" or "I'm not really interested in talking about this" or simply, "I'm bored. I'll be back in ten minutes."

Express frustration with you co-workers, and even your boss. "I'm annoyed that you didn't respond to our memo earlier. But at the same time, I'm relieved, because then if we don't nail one of the things you want, we can blame any delays on your lack of response."[2]

Start sentences with the words "I resent you for..." or "I appreciate you for..."[2]

Read up on How to Practice Nonviolent Communication.

5. Inject the honesty with humor. This doesn't mean "sugar-coating" the truth by preceding and following it with a gentle reassurance (like How to Give a Feedback Sandwich or -gasp- How to Spin Bad News). This means that when you speak the truth, you express it in cheerful and lighthearted way, like you're giving them a gift, not cutting them with a knife. Take, for example, a waiter asking you how your coffee is (and it's bad):[2]

(Sheepishly, apologetically) "Uh, yeah. I always have to order espresso here, because the espresso tastes like regular coffee. The regular coffee here is terrible. Can't you guys make stronger coffee?"

"Yeah, man! This coffee tastes like $&!#!" Followed by a boisterous laugh.

Both statements are unabashedly true. But which one is more likely to be received well?

6. Take off the edge. Follow up your honesty with a reminder that you're not deliberately trying to break hearts, crush dreams, or hurt feelings. (Unless you are, in which case hopefully the person will read our article on How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship and leave you.)

Say what you were doing: "I'm just being honest" or "That's what popped into my mind."

Offer a return to the world of lies: "I want to be honest with you. If you want me stop being honest, I will. Do you want me to?" Or "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable; I just wanted to express what was on my mind. If you want me to stop, I will."

Change the subject. In the example of admitting boredom above, try: "Can we talk about something else?" or "Let's talk about something we have in common."

If possible, express your honesty in person. It allows you to fully experience the ramifications of being radically honest, and makes it harder for the receiving party to run away--which probably means they'll still be there when the shock subsides, and your interaction can recover and move forward.[2]

7. Brace yourself for return fire. When you are radically honest, some people will respond in like manner. Welcome it. This is a good opportunity to open new dialogue, and discover things about a person that you might have otherwise never known, because you were both too scared of hurting each other's feelings. When you tell your buddy that he really is fat, he might tell you that your beard makes you look like a homeless lumberjack. Respond gracefully!

"Thanks for telling me."
"That's fine."
"That's true!"

"Really?"

8. Know where to draw the line. How honest is too honest? In the honesty business, there’s a fine line between radical and reckless. Reckless honesty is the result of pushing the authenticity envelope so far that you shoot yourself in the foot. The border between radical and reckless must be patrolled by your intuition. Sometimes that line is obvious, but sometimes it’s not.

The founder of the radical honesty movement readily admits that he lies to the IRS, in golf, and in poker.[2]

Kids are radically honest, but they may not be receptive to it. Their parents may not be receptive to it either. So you might not want to tell a child that their dog didn't really go to a farm, or that Santa Claus doesn't exist, or how you really made that baby.

Tips
You're likely to experience a little adrenaline rush before and during acts of radical honesty. You're breaking taboos and taking big social risks.[2] It might be addictive.

Radical honesty can be a good way to pick up the opposite sex. Example: "I didn't really want any tea; I was just trying to figure out a way to delay you so I could talk to you for a while, because I want to go to bed with you."[2]

Some people will be utterly disgusted with your honesty, but others will be shocked - and impressed - by your candor.
Address relationship problems in real time. Maintaining integrity in relationships means addressing problems that come up in real-time. Emotions are not chess pieces, and love is not a game of strategy.

If you sense that something might be wrong, seek to identify and resolve the issue on the spot.

If you’re constantly met with responses like the Solemn Downward Stare, followed by the Evening of Awkward Silence, and the Night Without Sex, then be warned: the game you’re playing isn’t worth winning.

Applying radical honesty in your work means creating things that are of value to you personally, and that hinges on solving problems. But you can't solve problems if you don't acknowledge problems; if you would rather deny them, ignore them, or avoid talking about them because you don't want to "rock the boat".

What most frustrates you about your work, and the world in general? Almost every answer to that question is a project or business idea with your name written all over it. Asking “What most frustrates you about the world?” is not only a means of identifying opportunities to create value in your life, it’s also a compass that directs you towards the people that will help make those dreams come true.

Radical self-honesty requires a matching dose of humility. Whatever score you give yourself in any category is almost surely inflated. If the currency by which we measure others is pounds, the currency by which we measure ourselves is yen.

Some of these feelings of superior knowledge, skill, or judgement are no doubt justified. But many, if not most of them, aren’t. The moment you become conscious of this, your self-awareness expands. You begin to ask yourself more honest questions and give yourself more honest answers.




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THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

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