Showing posts with label CONFIDENCE SELF HELP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CONFIDENCE SELF HELP. Show all posts

Sunday, January 10, 2010

LIFE LESSON- WHEN AND HOW TO APOLOGIZE

One key to getting along well with people is knowing when to say you're sorry. Sometimes little comments or actions can hurt or offend others. Heavy workloads and stress may keep us from seeing how our actions make others feel. The little things can add up. It doesn't take long for someone to hold a grudge and for grudges to grow into conflicts. In most cases, if someone is offended by something you do or say, it's much better to apologize right away. That solves the small problem and keeps it from getting bigger.


It's hard to apologize. Many of us are ashamed or have too much pride. Sometimes we just don't know how to do it. Here are some tips that may make it easier to say you're sorry.


Take responsibility. The first step in apologizing is to admit to yourself that you have offended someone. You may know this right away, or the other person's reaction may let you know you have done something hurtful. But you must admit you have done wrong and accept responsibility for your actions.


Explain. It's important to let the person you hurt know that you didn't mean to do harm. At the same time, you must show that you take your mistake seriously. Recognize that your actions caused a problem for the other person.


Show your regret. The other person needs to see that you have suffered, too. Come right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. I felt bad the minute I told your secret. I'm ashamed of myself.


Repair the damage. To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged someone's property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask What can I do to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the offer must be sincere. I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future. Meantime, let me buy you a cup of coffee. Another way to repair the damage is to send a note or a small gift.


Use good timing. Apologize right away for little things. For example, if you bump into someone, say you're sorry right away. Don't wait until the next day to apologize. However, if you have done something more serious, like insult a friend, your apology should be more thoughtful. A quick apology might seem phony. Take the time to sit down, look the person in the eye, and apologize honestly.


It's not about who "won" or who "lost." It's about keeping a strong friendship.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

How to Be Happy Everyday: Is it Really Possible?


Do you think that it's impossible to be happy every day? I don't! Notice, I did NOT say to be happy every moment of every day, but rather to be happy ever day.

We all have times of heartache, fear, depression, disappointment and so on, but in the midst of those negative emotions and hardships of life, I fully believe that it is possible to be happy at least part of every day.

Here are my suggestions for being happy every day.

1. Look on the bright side. You know, there is always a bright side, even in the midst of a bad day or even bad period of time in your life. For instance, if you lose your job, the bright side may be that you are now free to pursue a job you've always wanted. Perhaps the loss of the job and thus the necessity for looking for a new job may be just the push you need to pursue your dream job. Looking on the bright side of every situation can help you to be happy every day.

2. Talk to yourself. Yes, that's right. There are times when it is necessary to talk to yourself. King David in the Bible had all kinds of problems, including people trying to kill him, and yet he always managed to rise above his depression. He chose to be happy in part by talking to himself. For example, in Psalm 42:5 he asked himself questions such as, "Soul, why are you cast down?" and then concluded by saying, "Hope in God!" He dealt honestly with his feelings of despair and then gave himself a pep talk. I think that David's tendency to talk to himself helped him to be happy every day. Talking to yourself can also help you to be happy every day.

3. Talk to God. The great thing about God is that He is always there and always willing to listen. People may not be around when you need to complain or talk about your concerns, but whether you are in the middle of a busy day or in the stillness of the night, God is there with you, and He is more than willing to listen. Sometimes knowing that you are not alone in your struggle by simply talking to God can help you to be happy every day.

4. Send notes of encouragement to other people. Has someone done something nice for you? Think about all the people in your past who have had a positive impact on your life. Make a list of them, and one by one, over time, write notes of encouragement and appreciation. This does two things that will help you to be happy every day. First of all, it removes your focus from yourself and your problems. Secondly, it can be fun to know that you are helping someone else to be happy. Those two things alone, not to mention the nice response you may receive from the person you wrote to will help you to be happy every day.

5. Keep a gratitude journal. Write down at least five things every day that you are thankful for on that specific day. Thankfulness and happiness go hand in hand. When I'm almost ready to go to sleep at night, I can choose to focus on whatever I'm worried or upset about or I can write down things I'm thankful for. If I express gratitude right before falling asleep at night, I'll likely fall asleep thinking pleasant thoughts which helps me to be happy every day.

6. Volunteer to serve others less fortunate than you. It really feels good to help others. It also helps to put my own problems and circumstances into a proper perspective. Working with people who are homeless, for example, makes my little apartment seem like a palace. Helping other people helps me to be happy every day.

7. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Lack of sleep is a common cause of depression. Getting adequate sleep can be hard to do when you feel that you have too much to do or are worried about things, but do everything within your power to get the rest you need. If you put yourself on a schedule and go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time every morning, your body will not only feel refreshed, but you will find it easier to go to sleep at night. Exercise is also a good stress reliever. Adequate sleep and exercise can both help you to be happy every day.

8. Do something fun or wacky. One day, when I was feeling especially blue, I, for some strange reason, decided to go outside and yell as loud as I could, "Life, I love you!" Yes, I felt a little silly, but as I ran back inside as quickly as I could, I laughed hard, and quickly moved out of my blue funk. Doing something fun or wacky can help you to be happy every day.

9. Forgive. If you harbor anger or bitterness toward someone, you are only hurting yourself. Let go of anger and bitterness and forgive, even if the person doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Reconcile with the person if at

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Monday, July 27, 2009

25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self-Confidence




Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. - E.E. Cummings


One of the things that held me back from pursuing my dreams for many years was fear of failure … and the lack of self-confidence that I needed to overcome that fear.

It's something we all face, to some degree, I think. The key question: how do you overcome that fear?

By working on your self-confidence and self-esteem. Without really thinking of it in those terms, that's what I've been doing over the years, and that's what helped me finally overcome my fears, and finally pursue my dreams.

I still have those fears, undoubtedly. But now I know that I can beat them, that I can break through that wall of fear and come out on the other side. I've done it many times now, and that success will fuel further success.

This post was inspired by reader Nick from Finland, who asked for an article about self-worth and self-confidence:

Many of the things you propose make people feel better about themselves and actually help building self-confidence. However, I would be interested on reading your input in general on this topic. Taking time out for your own plans and dreams, doing things another way than most other people and generally not necessarily "fitting in" can be quite hard with a low self-confidence.

Truer words have never been spoken. It's near impossible to make time for your dreams, to break free from the traditional mold, and to truly be yourself, if you have low self-esteem and self-confidence.

As an aside, I know that some people make a strong distinction between self-esteem and self-confidence. In this article, I use them interchangeably, even if there is a subtle but perhaps important difference … the difference being whether you believe you're worthy of respect from others (self-esteem) and whether you believe in yourself (self-confidence). In the end, both amount to the same thing, and in the end, the actions I mention below give a boost to both self-esteem and self-confidence.

Taking control of your self-confidence
If you are low in self-confidence, is it possible to do things that will change that? Is your self-confidence in your control?

While it may not seem so, if you are low in self-confidence, I strongly believe that you can do things to increase your self-confidence. It is not genetic, and you do not have to be reliant on others to increase your self-confidence. And if you believe that you are not very competent, not very smart, not very attractive, etc. … that can be changed.

You can become someone worthy of respect, and someone who can pursue what he wants despite the naysaying of others.

You can do this by taking control of your life, and taking control of your self-confidence. By taking concrete actions that improve your competence, your self-image, you can increase that self-confidence, without the help of anyone else.

Below, I outline 25 things that will help you do that. None of them is revolutionary, none of them will do it all by themselves. The list certainly isn't comprehensive. These are just some of my favorite things, stuff that's worked for me.

And you don't need to do all of them, as if this were a recipe … pick and choose those that appeal to you, maybe just a couple at first, and give them a try. If they work, try others. If they don't, try others.

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it's amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.

2. Dress nicely. A corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you'll feel good about yourself. You'll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn't necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.

3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn't fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it's not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.

4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a year. It sounds so trite, so Norman Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you haven't.

5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it's so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you're doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, "This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV." Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. ("C'mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!")

Know yourself and you will win all battles. - Sun Tzu

6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can't defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you're trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they're real limitations or just ones you've allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you'll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.

7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It's one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can't, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You'll soon start to notice a difference.

8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.

One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation. - Arthur Ashe

9. Get prepared. It's hard to be confident in yourself if you don't think you'll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think about taking an exam: if you haven't studied, you won't have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you're prepared, and you'll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam, and prepare yourself.

10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don't know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule (the major exception being to "Live my Passion"). Think about your principles … you might have them but perhaps you haven't given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don't act on them.

11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn't worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn't want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don't feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don't take it to an extreme, but just don't sound rushed either.

12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That's a good thing any day, in my book.

13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don't try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you'll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.

14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You'll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better you'll be at it, and the better you'll feel. Soon you'll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too.

15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you've accomplished it, you'll feel like a million bucks.

16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. "I'm fat and lazy!" So how can you solve that? "But I can't motivate myself!" So how can you solve that? "But I have no energy!" So what's the solution?

17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.

18. Volunteer. Related to the "be kind and generous" item above, but more specific. It's the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It'll be some of the best time you've ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you'll feel better about yourself, instantly.

19. Be grateful. I'm a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who's been reading this blog for very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image. Read more.

20. Exercise. Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you'll see benefits. Start the habit.

21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you'll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.

22. Do something you've been procrastinating on. What's on your to-do list that's been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You'll feel great about yourself.

23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It's how we learn. Without mistakes, we'd never get better. So don't worry about those. Just do something. Get off your butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to accomplish something.

24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the time, and soon you'll be a self-confident maniac.

25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me. Here's how.

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